Ways My Baby Has Tried To Commit Suicide

I may be a paranoid parent. The internet doesn't help, with all its sad stories about babies. I've stayed up till 3 a.m. reading about SIDS once. Don't do it. I cried myself to sleep. Anyway, my baby's psycho behavior doesn't help my paranoia. With my baby's recklessness for life, what parent wouldn't be a little twitchy and nervous? Here are the top ways my baby has tried to commit suicide.

1. Drowning

Here is a picture of my baby taking a bath. Though it doesn't look like it, she is currently trying to flip over and lie face down in the water. It's almost like she knows that my biggest fear is drowning baby. This fear was instilled in me ever since I watched The Joy Luck Club. Don't watch it. It will make you cry.

2. Electrocution

There could be dozens of toys scattered around baby, but almost as if it were a magnet, she is drawn to the electric sockets on the wall. We also have an electric heater. It has vents that blow hot air. Her fingers are the perfect size for these vents.

3. Choking

Here is a picture of baby jamming the wrong end of her toothbrush into her mouth. No, I did not plan on getting a picture of her gagging, but it is a common enough occurrence, it's no wonder that I don't have more gagging pictures.

4. Eye Gouging

Below is a picture of baby with her first Christmas present. We were excited for her to use the mallet to hammer in the colorful pegs. But the moment we gave it to her, she jammed the mallet into her mouth and gagged, then tried to gouge out her eyes with the pegs. Needless to say, we took the toy away and will give it back when her motor skills and will to live are more developed.

5. Head Trauma

Baby has begun to walk with the support of furniture. She is a talented walker. She is an equally talented head hitter. I've seen spectacular falls, all of which end with a tearful baby trying to get back up again for a repeat performance. Short term memory loss makes baby a daredevil.

There are many other ways my baby has threatened her life, but let's just say that while she's a psycho, you have to give her props for being creative.

Psycho Poo

In my almost 3 decades of life, I've had a lot of experience with poo. I've had a dog that has excreted death poo (poo that makes you wish for death) that I've had to put in a plastic bag and store in a trash bin on our porch. Then when enough of these plastic bags have accumulated, I take the bin out to the trash truck that comes once a day. You think bagged poo is gross? Imagine 10 bags of poo, swimming in their own juices, sitting on a hot porch. One time, I noticed things that looked like dust on the inside of the trash bin. Thinking it was nothing, I let it be. Then one day, as I was dropping another poo poo baggie into the trash bin, little baby flies flew out from within, and I then realized I had been housing maggots. All this is to say, I've had gross experiences with poo. But yesterday, I had a scarring poo experience from psycho baby. 

It started like a normal day. Baby woke up, happy and crazy. After breakfast, I smelt the poo smell coming from her diaper. Laying her down, I opened her diaper to find a small nugget pressed up against her inner thighs. (She is now eating solids so everything comes out like little nuggets.) I wiped it up, or wrapped it up, then proceeded to wipe baby's butt down. Suddenly, a horrible hissing noise came from her butt. I thought it was just some gas. But then this happened: 

More and more came, twisting and squirming on it's way out. I was ill equipped at the time and fumbled with diapers and wipes as this was happening. Baby thought it was funny to squirm at this time. Just when I thought it was done and I was going in to wipe, the eye of Sauron opened some more and the last watery logs sloshed out. This may seem like a small poo experience, but for some reason I felt faint and deeply affected. Changed. 

I don't doubt it was intentional on baby's part. In any case, we have a new rule. Wait five minutes for all poo to come out. 

Welcome! 

We've all gathered here today to discuss a very important issue: psycho babies. It is a condition that is hard to diagnose because babies are naturally awkward. Eating the toilet brush. Trying to suck milk from an old lady or a man. Sighing loudly through a very touching conversation with a friend. A lot of baby actions could leave a parent feeling confused and thinking: Is my baby socially inept? Or is my baby a psycho baby? This blog will explore in-depth the psycho baby condition, and it will offer hope to many souls who struggle with the day-to-day crazy.

Exhibit A: Psycho Baby eating her favorite toy, a baby toothbrush. At 7 months old, the symptoms are getting worse and worse. Everything must go in mouth, no matter how disgusting or life threatening.