Is Your Baby Trying to Cause You Bodily Harm?
The answer is yes.Psycho baby comes equipped with many weapons and innate skills, all of which cause parents and trusting strangers to cry out and beg for mercy. For the sake of time, we will only go into two of these many weapons.
1. The Mouth
Aw, yes, so cute and pudgy and puckery. The mouth is probably the strongest part of a baby's body. It seems so innocent. The mouth comes closer and closer, suddenly you are caught in a death latch. The cheeks puff in and out like a medieval machine. Below is a picture of a hickie my baby gave me. I'm not the daring type, so I've never received a hickie before in my life until now. The red part of my skin is my skin dying from lack of oxygen.
2. The Nails
I'm almost convinced that if I released Baby into the wild, she would be able to find shelter, catch her own food, and defend herself from predators all by the power of her razor sharp nails. She has drawn blood from my face and arms. She does a gouging motion when near my eyes. My brother sent me an accurate diagram not long after I had Baby:
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| Credit: howtobeadad.com |
Baby also likes to do a horse bite. It's a self-defense move where you dig your nails into the flesh of your opponent and your opponent pleads for their life. As pictured below:
I've had friends tell me to cut my baby's nails more. I try, I really do try. Baby seems to sense that by cutting her nails, I am disarming her, so she finds effective ways to evade me - squirming, slashing, not sleeping ever. I have found one way to quell her abilities. It is called the chinese shirt. It is a baby shirt that looks like a robe, but has sleeves that can fold over the hands. She is modeling the shirt below:
